The Dating Process

August 18, 2024 / CL / 2 Comments

The Purpose of Dating

Dating has three broad stages corresponding to the three functions of dating:

1. Getting to know the other person
2. Finding out if the other person is compatible for marriage
3. Creating an emotional bond to allow the dating couple to get engaged and marry

This post begins by describing the mechanics of dating and continues with strategies to make dating work effectively to help singles get married.

Dating is very individual.  While we mention numbers of dates, it may take longer or shorter: more dates or fewer dates, to get to the same emotional place.

Preparing for a Date--Boys

It is often the boy who decides where the couple should go.  A good practice is for the boy to plan one or more options for the date, and to find out, directly or through the shadchan, whether the girl has a particular venue or activity in mind.  If she doesn't have a plan in mind, he can present her with his suggestions.  Girls prefer to know in advance the type of activity they'll do on the date so that they can dress appropriately, e.g. sneakers or flats for outdoor activities, heels for hotel lounges if she prefers.

Boys are expected to lead the conversation; therefore, it is a good idea for them to have a few conversation topics prepared in advance.

Once the venue has been determined, the boy may wish to study the route in advance.   If a car is needed, he should make sure he has access to a clean car--the family van may not be great for first impressions. Beginner drivers may find it useful to make a practice run.

Preparing for a Date--Girls

Girls must present themselves at their best, especially hair and makeup.  Some girls stretch their clothing budget by borrowing dating outfits from friends. Part of checking out the boy should include finding out his preference: does he like the girls to dress up to the maximum or does he prefer a more subdued/less intimidating look?  If the girl finds that the boy's preference is very different from her style, she might think about rejecting this shidduch rather than pretending she is someone whom she is not.  Will she be willing to dress this way for the rest of her life?  The girl should find out in advance the boy's plans for the dating venue, in order to make sure she is dressed appropriately.

Parents’ Role During Dating

If he is coming after a long drive, the boy may need the bathroom when he arrives .  Some fathers may be more comfortable than others in offering to show the boy the bathroom; the boys themselves vary in how comfortable they are with being asked.  A shadchan comments, "I know someone who was so impressed when his future father in law asked him this!"

Parents usually initiate the conversation by asking a few questions before the date.  One practice is to have five minutes of talk before the first date; ten minutes before the second, and after that, just greet the boy and let the couple leave.

Not all girls date from home.  Girls, especially from out-of-town, may be living at a college dormitory, sharing an apartment in the tri-state area, or boarding with a family.  In such cases, the boy and girl may arrange to meet near the girl’s residence or somewhere in the “city”.  Sometimes, a girl may arrange to have at least the first date originate at a married friend’s home.

On a Date—Boys

The boy should make sure he arrives on time, and call if he knows he will be late.  If the drive to the girl's house is long, it could be useful to allocate time along the way to stop at a rest station, a convenience store or a shul so as not to need the bathroom upon arrival.  Should the boy be running late, he might skip the stop and ask the father for the restroom upon arrival.

If the boy has trouble juggling driving, directions and maintaining a conversation, he should ask the girl if she minds deferring conversation until they arrive.  Alternatively, he may ask her if she can hold the GPS and help with directions.

On a Date—Girls

While traditionally it is the boy's role to "make conversation" on a date, dating is more pleasant and productive for both parties when the girls does her part by facilitating conversation.  Boys appreciate it when the burden of keeping the talk flowing is shared more equally.  For example, the girl may try to solicit more detail about experiences or ideas that the boy shares.  Girls are also likely to learn more about the boy they are dating if they turn the conversation to topics that are important to them.  In general, total passivity on the girl's part implies that she is not focused on the purpose of dating--getting to know this young man.

Dating Venues

Early Dates

In the more Yeshivish circles, the shadchan acts as a go-between to arrange the first few dates.  The shadchan may suggest venues or s/he asks the boy, and then the girl, what their preferences are.  This saves the dating couple the awkwardness of planning an outing before they know each other.  Moreover, this delays exchanging contact information until the couple is comfortable with being contacted directly.

First dates are often about conversation, usually taking place in hotel lounges or parks, preferably not more than 30 minute drive.  However, some singles  find it more natural to talk while doing an activity, such as playing board games, rather than being placed next to each other and expected to converse.

An experienced shadchan suggests that the couple "dates with their ears, not with their eyes"  for the first 3 dates.  This allows each party to focus on the other person's personality rather than on appearance.  By the third date, one should be looking forward to spending time with the other single and want to share experiences and observations.

If after several dates, the single finds that s/he really cannot stand the prospect of seeing the other party again, it's time to break off the relationship.  Another reason to stop going out is if the single finds nothing interesting or attractive about the other person.

After the First Dates

By the third time it is good to change venue: eat out together, do an activity,  or see an exhibit. Some other environments include coffee shops, parks with picnics, museums, book stores.  Eating out together allows the couple to observe each other's eating habits.  It is nice to find places that are conducive to conversation but it is also good to vary dates with  fun activities such as bowling.  A general principle is to try to have opportunities to see the other person in a variety of situations and observe how they handle them.

Many boys have found the Mikomos website useful for finding appropriate dating venues.  This site provides descriptions and ratings of the places it lists.

Dating Venues that Teach

A shadchan recommends the following activities for learning about the other single:

• Eating Out: This is a good way to learn how the other single truly approaches food.  Which foods are selected, how much they take, do they leave over?  Table manners?  Spending habits?
• Board Games: Game playing shows another side of a person's character.  Do they follow rules?  Do they plan ahead? Are they aggressive?  How much does winning mean to them?  Can they lose gracefully?
• Biking: Singles are often not on the same level when it comes to biking.  This is an opportunity to see if the better biker is kind and considerate to the weaker biker.  Does s/he make sure to match speeds?  To suggest breaks?
• Playing Perfect Matches: https://www.perfectmatchesgame.com/ This is a game designed to help people get to know each other.  It is useful especially during later dates for bringing the dating to the next level by discussing the nitty-gritty issues that arise in marriage.

Dating

The main function of the first two dates is to for both parties to decide whether they want to get to know the other person better: is this someone who has potential to be a marriage partner?  It is often recommended that the first date be fairly short--1  1/2 to 2  1/2 hours, in case one or both of the parties is too nervous to sustain a longer first encounter.

Subsequent dates may be three hours or longer. Light conversation about interesting experiences or shared interests helps break the ice.  At the second and third date one might begin to slowly share stories of family, trips, Yomim Tovim, reasons for picking a particular career path/yeshiva/seminary.  At this stage, it is probably still safer to keep away from anything very personal or controversial.

The fourth to sixth dates may become a bit more focused on detecting whether the two parties shares core values; are they hashkafically on the same page?  By then, dating venues should be mixed,  with some involving fun activities and others encouraging serious talk.  It is very crucial to a healthy relationship to know that one is able to have fun and feel safe, relaxed and comfortable with the date partner.   Singles should keep in mind that life consists more of mundane discussions: diapers, grocery shopping, carpool, than of deep philosophical conversations. Therefore, it makes sense to vary activities rather than spend all the time conversing and sharing deep issues.

Around the seventh date and further, it is crucial to see whether the couple is emotionally compatible. Are opinions respected? Do the dating parties feel safe and encouraged to express themselves?

The idea here is to grow the relationship slowly, rather than rushing immediately into deeper emotional areas.  Generally, this approach helps build a more solid relationship.  That said, people are different, and many solid marriages have begun without following these rules.

Checking or Rechecking Fundamentals

Dating couples vary in how much they know about each other before they meet.  Some parents/singles try to find out every possible detail about a shidduch prospect before allowing a shidduch to proceed.  Others check minimally to ascertain that there are no serious problems with the prospect.  In either case, it is worthwhile for the couple to discuss the issues that are important to them: e.g. Hashkafa points such as internet use, future plans including career choices and community preferences.

Among the reasons to go over the fundamentals:

If it's important, it's worth double checking.  Even where all parties involved with setting up the shidduch act purely in the best interests of both parties, misunderstandings occur.  Couples are well advised not to assume that their shidduch is guaranteed to be "perfect" just because it was meticulously checked out.  While enjoying each other's company is an important basis for marriage, it is not sufficient.

By talking over these matters, nuances may emerge that did not come out during reference checking.  For example, the girl might not believe in watching movies outside the home, but might occasionally download something to watch in the house.  The boy is planning to learn for a few years in kollel, but is also open to taking part time work in chinuch or kiruv.

Discussing sensitive issues helps reveal more about the boy/girl's character and personality.  The girl learns why the boy prefers a stay-at-home mother; the boy may understand why economic security is important to the girl.  The couple also finds out whether they are comfortable speaking openly  with each other: does s/he get offensive and angry or is s/he encouraging vulnerability and authenticity?

Building a Relationship

It is unrealistic and counter-productive to expect to know immediately that the person one is dating is one's bashert.  In fact, it may be dangerous if one feels this too early, because the feeling may be due to infatuation which may quickly disappear when the realities of married life begin.  Instead, singles should realize that in order to feel a bond with another person one has to invest emotionally.

One technique is to begin by discussing a challenge that they might have experienced and may or may not have overcome. Making oneself vulnerable to someone grants the other person the safety net to do the same.  This creates an emotional bond.

This material above is derived from Mrs. Ruchama Twersky's approach to dating.  Mrs. Twersky is a dating coach and gives seminars to parents of children in shidduchim.  She can be reached at lrtwersky@gmail.com or 973-449-5101

Probing the Relationship Dynamics

While dating is meant to establish compatibility and to build a strong relationship, it is neither realistic nor wholesome to base the relationship on total agreement.  Each partner is an individual and should maintain his/her individuality including his/her own opinions, activities, and relationships.  Therefore, it is a good idea for the single to make sure to state his/her own opinions, especially when they differ from their date's views, in order to see how the other party reacts. The couple should try to create a sturdy yet flexible bond between equals, rather than a relationship that depends on total harmony and merging of selves. Does s/he  put down the other’s ideas when they are not alike to his/hers?   Does the dating partner change the subject when certain topics come up?  How does the dating partner act when the date goes awry due to misunderstanding or mishaps?  In short, the single needs to learn how the person s/he is dating handles "separateness" in a relationship.

Disclosures

One or both of the dating partners may have a secret: an important piece of information that is likely not to have been discovered during the shidduch investigation process.  This may regard a physical condition, family history, or an incident that took place in the single's life.  Ideally, singles consult with a Rav about how much they are halachically obliged to reveal.  A dating coach may be helpful in deciding at which point to make the disclosure.  While after the fourth date is a typical timing for revelations, singles should not feel bound to follow the trend if they are being guided by a competent and ethical coach.  For more information on this topic, see Planning Disclosures in the Preliminaries and Preparations post.

The other party would be well-advised to research the implications of the revelation carefully, rather than trusting the dating partner, his/her Rav or professional.  There may be a tendency to underplay the consequences of certain conditions.

When Should the Boy's Parents Meet the Girl?

There is wide variation about when in the dating process should the parents of the boy meet the girl.  In less Yeshivish circles, the parents only see the girl when the couple is close to getting engaged.  Among the Chassidish, both sets of parents almost always meet the boy and girl before the first date.  Given that the parents of a girl get to meet the boy at every date (unless she is living away from home); it makes sense that the parents of a boy would want to see the girl at least once before the relationship get serious and more difficult to break off.

A practice has developed in Yeshivish circles where the boy's parents meet the girl after a third date.  The benefit is that this enables the parents to guide their son more effectively.  A parent can quickly pick up social cues, manner of dress, etc., from meeting the girl.  Moreover, seeing the girl hopefully sets the boy's parents at ease so that they are not left in the dark during this important time in their son's life.

The challenge is to stage this meeting early enough in the dating process so that the relationship can be broken off if necessary, yet avoid giving the girl a feeling that she is making a commitment by meeting the boy's parents.  One way to avoid the problem is for parents of sons to tell  shadchanim at the outset that it is their standard practice to always meet the girl after a specific number of dates: "We always meet the girl after date X, so can you please tell this to the girl and her parents, and arrange for us to meet her briefly during the next date?"

The meeting should be brief, and at a neutral location, say, a half hour meeting at a coffee shop, when the couple is on a date.

However, parents of the boy should be aware that their request to meet the girl may come across as odd or interfering if the girl comes from a community where this is not standard practice.  Moreover, a girl may find meeting the boy's parents intimidating.  A shadchan recounts how a boy found that each time his parents met the girl he was dating, the relationship broke up afterwards.  The shadchan finally persuaded the boy's parents to skip the meeting, and the boy got engaged and married.

How Many Dates are Appropriate?

While some assume that by 6 or 7 dates, the parties know whether they are likely to get married, dating is very individual.  Dates may take place twice a week, but it may be necessary to slow down or speed up, depending on practical considerations. Unless something very significant happens on the first date it is recommended that there should be at least two dates.

While 7 to 10 dates is average, there are many couples who get engaged only after 10 or 14 dates. It is usually best to be patient and let relationships develop at their own pace.  When people feel rushed, they may either end a potential viable relationship prematurely or they may jump into the wrong marriage.  However, if the relationship drags on for many more dates, or if progress is not being made, it may be necessary to ask for advice to find out what the issues are.

For information about how to assess the dating couple’s compatibility and how their relationship is developing, click on Is This the Right One?.

While You’re Single

August 9, 2024 / CL / 0 Comments

Making the most of the single stage

Some find their shidduch immediately; others may wait some years until they find their bashert.  Each situation presents its own challenges.  It's not a race. Getting married sooner is not the goal--marrying the right person is.

This post is most relevant for people in the earlier years of their search.

Note: The word shadchanim in this post includes anyone who might represent a shidduch prospect: formal and informal shadchanim, parents, relatives or friends of a single, or the single him/herself.

For the Parent

Maintain a Happy Home

While it may be highly stressful and worrying to have a child remain unmarried as younger peers are getting engaged, it is imperative to maintain a positive, supportive, and loving atmosphere in the home.  Where parents display anxiety at their child being unmarried, it becomes demoralizing for the child, exacerbating feelings of being a failure or disappointment.  Instead, parents may view this time as their opportunity to enjoy their adult child’s company and deepen the relationship.  If this is very difficult, parents should seek support, whether through socializing with other parents in this situation, discussing with their Rav, or seeing a counselor.

Give the Single Space

As the single gets older, parents are well-advised to see their child as an independent adult making his/her own decisions and entitled to privacy.  It gives perspective to realize that if a 25-year old child were married, it would be inappropriate to micro-manage his/her life; being single should not make a difference.

Once the single is earning a paycheck, parents may encourage him/her to take responsibility for his/her financial future, taking over financial assets held in trust when they were minors, opening an IRA, investing, and filing tax returns independently.

Keep Communication Open

When people share living quarters, there are formal or unspoken arrangements for sharing living costs and household chores.  This applies also to singles living at home.  In some families, everyone is naturally “on the same page” and these matters need not be discussed.

In other situations, it is better for parents to initiate a discussion with their single about who does or pays for what, especially where finances are tight.  Where the parent/child relationship is delicate, it may be best to select a mutually trusted outsider, such as the family Rav or friend, who knows the family and is trusted by parents and single, to arbitrate disagreements. The parents and single may also see the need to involve a third party if they disagree on how shidduchim should be pursued.

For the Single

It is healthiest to see the period of singlehood as its own stage in life and a springboard for growth, rather waiting impatiently for the right shidduch to arrive.  This entails the willingness to plan ahead regardless of the possibility that plans be disrupted by getting engaged.

Most important is to find a life balance that allows oneself to feel contented and connected, balancing obligations to family, community and self.  Different singles find different routes to creating and maintaining this equilibrium.

Self-Development

This is a good time to address real or perceived deficiencies, whether social, emotional, or spiritual.  This is a stage in which you are mature enough to work seriously on longstanding issues and young enough to be flexible to effect real change.

On the spiritual front, you may decide to try to keep learning and growing, refining your personal hashkafa, and pursuing goals in avodas Hashem.  Browsing the bookshelves of a Judaica store is a good way to see different approaches that may speak to you now.

Some singles return to school to advance themselves in their career or to train for a new career.

The single years may also be an opportunity to get on track financially. If you are financially stable you might educate yourself about personal finance by reading a book or two on the subject and choosing short- and long-term financial goals.

Not everyone feels the need for change.  Some women may be content to spend these years living at home and continuing with the same job for years; some men may enjoy continuing their studies in Bais Medrash.  The object here is to find the life that keeps you happy.

Enjoying Life

A balanced life includes time off to relax and enjoy.  This may include taking advantage of the freedom that comes with this stage in life by traveling, pursuing hobbies, taking courses to learn something interesting, or seeking out new experiences.

It is essential to develop strong peer friendships.  Organizing social or chessed activities is a good way to bond.

Giving Back

The community needs the skills, talents, and time of the singles.  And it is important for everyone to see themselves as part of a community.  Volunteering is more likely to be fulfilling if you choose a cause that you believe in and enjoy, rather than doing what everyone else does.

Singles who are financially independent can decide where to give money to support the causes that appeal to their values.

Seeing a Counselor

Everyone, at any stage in life, should try to live with as much contentment as possible.  If the pressures of being in shidduchim (including managing family relationships) become challenging, it may be helpful to see a therapist, both to provide an opportunity to vent and to help develop coping strategies.

Shidduchim-Related

As you become more independent in other areas of life, you may find it best to take over management of the shidduchim process, including screening resumes, checking references, and generally deciding the direction of the search.

A prominent Rosh Yeshiva recommends that older siblings be gracious about younger siblings starting to date while the older ones are still single.  It may cause resentment and increase the pressure on you if it looks like you are blocking your younger siblings.  Plus, being able to face a younger sibling getting married before you makes you look good.  Personally, we have seen many times that after a younger sibling gets engaged, the older sibling finds the right match.

Take breaks from dating if the pressure is overwhelming.  Don’t let societal or family pressures panic you into a bad relationship.

Give the shadchan a chance.  When a trusted shadchan offers a match, avoid letting friends who may not be experts in shidduchim discourage you from trying a date.  It has happened that longtime singles were proposed the “winning” shidduch multiple times until they decided to try it.

Avoid flirtation or forming relationships with men/women outside dating.  Aside from the halachic issues involved, such relationships dilute one’s drive for marriage.

Think about addressing possible fears or perceived incompetence related to marriage and raising a family. This could be done through self-education, seeking role models, and/or working with a therapist. Not everyone knows instinctively how to form and develop a relationship; it's normal to need support.

Keeping as happy as possible is an important shidduch strategy, since happy people are more attractive.

For more advice on the shidduch front, see Shidduch Strategies.

Challenging but Worthwhile

Working on these is beneficial for everyone’s spiritual and emotional health.

Emuna

The period of being single is a trial in Emuna (faith).  The very vast majority of singles get married sooner or later.  Many singles realize, once they get engaged, that the shidduch came only when both parties were ready—it could not have happened any sooner.

In the meantime, the more that parents and single build a relationship of trust and humility with Hashem, the more pain they will avoid and the more they will all gain from this period.  Moreover, Emuna builds the peace of mind which is important for projecting the positive personality that allows relationships to be formed.

Maintain a Positive Attitude

It is best to avoid bitterness and cynicism toward “the system”.  Aside from the emotional damage these cause, they also put off potential shadchanim or shidduch prospects.  If the standard shidduch system isn’t working for you, there are other approaches, described in Other Approaches.

It is healthiest to live with the assumption that the shidduch will eventually arrive, but not make marriage into the goal of life.  A good underlying attitude is that marriage is a bracha, a blessing/gift from Hashem rather than an entitlement.  Singles are able to live fulfilled lives contributing to the community.

Grow Before Marriage

Singles sometimes fall into a trap of deciding that they will fix certain weaknesses once they get married.  For example, they might watch movies on the computer, since they have extra time now, planning to discontinue this once they are engaged.  From a practical point of view, this is short-sighted, since when enquiries are made, such behaviors may come to light and put off a shidduch prospect.

On a deeper level, it is a good idea to try to develop now into the kind of person that one wants the bashert to desire to marry.  One exercise is to think of the marriages one admires in the community and see where one differs from the couples involved.  It may take time and effort to work on perceived deficits, but this is a constructive way to tell Hashem that one is ready for the bashert.  And becoming the “right” person allows one to project the right image and vibe.

Shidduchim During Covid-19

June 22, 2020 / CL / 0 Comments

The pandemic has affected all areas of our lives, including shidduchim.  Can or should singles meet, develop relationships, get engaged and marry amid social distancing?  Although many families have stopped their shidduchim during the crisis, Rabbanim we consulted encourage singles to pursue shidduchim.

While many parts of the country are re-opening, the Covid-19 virus is not disappearing quickly.  The new normal of social distancing is likely to persist since pockets or waves of re-infection are likely to re-emerge.  It may take many months until a safe and effective vaccine is discovered and deployed to a sizable portion of the population.  This post lays out dating strategies suitable for the times, recommended by shadchanim and others involved with singles.

Remote (Video) Dating

Video dating started before the pandemic to help out-of-town singles meet.  Now it is becoming mainstream, because it’s the healthiest way to meet, aside from phone-dating.  We have a section in our Other Approaches post about video dating.

Using the Telephone

Many women tend to be more comfortable dating on the phone than men.  Some of the advantages of phone dating is that the parties do not feel self-conscious about their appearance.   The pandemic has made it harder for women to present their best appearance since they cannot have their hair done professionally and it’s much harder to swap outfits with friends to vary their look.  Men are also experiencing difficulties looking their best given their lack of access to barbers and clothes shopping.

In addition, using the phone allows the single to relax and walk around, rather than feeling obliged to sit and stare at a screen through the entire date.

On the other hand, when a meeting is in person, one can read the other person's facial expressions, etc. One can see if the person has stopped talking or is in the middle of a thought and has paused. This can be difficult on a phone and lead to misunderstanding at the outset of the relationship until the dating couple becomes accustomed to each other’s style.

Dating in Person

More traditional social circles are inclined towards dating in person, even if the parties need to stay six feet apart. Parents and singles need to consult with their daas Torah and physicians to discuss risk factors in each household.

Some remote dating venues:

Backyards

When seeking a safe and appropriate backyard dating venue, singles should ascertain whether a potential backyard conforms to the guidelines formulated by Agudas Yisroel for this purpose.  The alternative may result in the dating couple catching or spreading the virus, especially when the parties come from different communities and are dating in a third.  Bathroom facilities need to be considered in advance, to make sure that there are separate facilities for both parties without endangering the host’s family.

Agudas Yisroel has compiled a list of safe places to date: email meetinglocations@compassshidduch.org or call (347) 831 7822 to arrange the use of one of these locations or to obtain a set of Agudas Yisroel’s guidelines for dating during the pandemic.

Dates may be arranged in the girl’s backyard if there is a bathroom available for the boy that can be sanitized after he leaves.  With chairs placed six feet apart, the couple may converse and a table may be set up to permit some joint activities, such as painting or board game playing, provided that the singles are able to maintain the distancing requirement.

When meeting in a backyard, it is recommended that the girl dress as she would have done in an indoor venue, weather permitting, of course.

Meeting at a Park

The singles drive in separate cars to meet in the parking lot.  They may start by parking near each other and speaking over the phone, each one from the driver’s seat.  If the park has benches six feet apart, they may converse, with each one on a different bench.  Alternately, they can bring their own chairs and space them correctly.  Where feasible, they may be able to walk and converse while maintaining the correct distance.

It is understood that the girl may wear flats and dress less formally for this kind of date.

Note that parks need to be checked out in advance to make sure that they are open.  Moreover, many parking lots fill up early on a Sunday morning.

Back to Basics

Dating under these circumstances has to be conversation-based rather than activity-based.  This may promote more solid relationships since it’s about building connection rather than “having fun” together.  Given the current challenges in finding venues and activities, the boy and girl are more likely to need to work out solutions together over the phone.

Singles who are willing to date despite the inconveniences demonstrate flexibility and resilience, evidence of solid character.  Singles are also aware that getting engaged and married during the pandemic means missing out on a public vort and aufruf.  The wedding may be in a backyard or drastically scaled down in a hall.  They are serious about starting a household together.

Exceptions to Social Distancing

There are circumstances in which couples may be allowed to date without social distancing after each party has consulted with his/her personal physician.

How Singles are Dating

A general view is that remote dating is fine for maintaining a relationship that began in person, perhaps before social distancing started.  It may also be effective for beginning a relationship, depending on the personalities of the singles.  More cerebral couples may find it easier to connect remotely, although most couples find it challenging to form emotional bonds without meeting in person.

It is understood that dating with social distancing is harder and therefore, requires more dates.  For example, while a norm in Yeshivish circles may be to get engaged after 5 or 6 dates, this is changing to going out for 10 or 11 dates.  Given the constraints, including lack of bathroom facilities, dates are shorter.

Other options are to meet remotely or use social distancing to get an idea as to whether this is the right person.  After that, the couple would try to prolong the relationship until normal dating returns, whenever that happens.  However, one prominent dating coach believes that it is a mistake to begin dating someone unless it is possible for the couple to meet in person after two or three dates.  This coach has found that the video experience may be so different from the in-person experience that when they actually meet, one or both parties may have a sense of “this is not what I pictured”.

Experienced singles find it easier to date within the new system because they know how dating works and what they are trying to accomplish with each date.  This allows them to pick up cues and find what they are looking for from their dating partners despite the changes to the system.

Dating without an established “playbook” is harder for new singles.  Younger singles or their shadchanim sometimes try to postpone a promising shidduch prospect in order to avoid possibly sabotaging it through the downsides of video or distance dating.

Preparing for Dating

Given the new conditions in dating, parents must have a serious talk with their son/daughter, their Rav, and their child’s mentor(s) before embarking on shidduchim.  It is a good idea to ascertain that their son/daughter is truly ready and motivated to date with technology and/or social distancing rather than trying to force them into it.

Moreover, there is more need under the new conditions to involve dating coaches or mentors to address concerns about how the relationship is progressing.

The Effect of the Pandemic on Shidduchim

On the Positive Side

Remote dating has reduced barriers to meeting new people.  Men are more likely to try out new ideas when they don’t need to travel.  A shadchan who sets up round-robin Zoom dating reports: “I've heard women say that they have met more quality people in one night than in the last year.”

Singles are more open and understanding about the stresses that everyone is experiencing. This may be leading to better communication and increased tolerance, as it has become more accepted, for example, to say, “I’ve had a really tough day”, and have the other person understand.

Reasons for Caution

The crisis atmosphere and the isolation caused by the pandemic may temporarily distort the single’s judgement, leading him/her to relationships and engagements that may be regretted later.  For example, a younger single may be determined to get away from the parental home where s/he is confined or an older single may be desperate to escape the loneliness of an empty apartment.

Moreover, a shared sense of vulnerability may foster bonding and an artificial sense of closeness.  Singles are advised to make sure that their conversation is broad-based, to make sure that there truly are enduring foundations to their relationship.

Singles may be best off consulting a dating coach or mentor to help them work out whether they are dating from a wholesome perspective or whether they should wait until life returns to something more normal.

Advice from a Dating Mentor

We contacted Rabbi Yechiel Rhine, director of Compass Shidduch Network a division of Agudas Yisroel and an experienced dating mentor, and requested that he send us a statement regarding virtual dating. He sent us the following:

“Virtual dating by phone or video conferencing is unnatural and challenging.  Many couples find that they cannot move the relationship forward under these circumstances.  That said, there are those who have gotten engaged, married, and have so far built healthy relationships.

For the majority of the couples I have encountered during the pandemic, virtual dating is at best a bridge to maintain the relationship until they can date under better circumstances.  I highly recommend that couples dating virtually or under social distancing have a third party who stays in touch with both daters to ensure that the relationship is progressing in a healthy manner”

Rabbi Rhine can be reached at 929-210-1524 yrhine@compassshidduch.org.  This article is not officially endorsed by him.

Other Approaches

March 13, 2019 / CL / 0 Comments

Further Advice for Finding the Bashert

Some singles find their match fairly easily, while others are still single after many rounds of dating. It is difficult to know how much or what forms of hishtadlus (effort) Hashem wants from us. This post contains strategies for singles who want to work harder on their shidduch quest. While many of these tips are well-known, it may be beneficial to review them. Some singles eventually find their match without having adopted any of these strategies; unfortunately, some go to every length possible, yet remain single. Each individual has to craft his/her own approach.
Note: The word shadchanim in this post includes anyone who might represent a shidduch prospect: formal and informal shadchanim, parents, relatives, friends, or the single him/herself.

Standard Strategies

Looking Your Best

Appearance is a very important tool since shadchanim and others often judge singles based on how they look. Singles who are perceived as attractive are more likely to receive shidduch proposals, be introduced to eligible shidduch prospects, and be invited to singles events. Singles may want to get advice from a few trusted friends to determine which clothing, hairstyle, makeup, and accessories suit them best and play up their advantages.
It is a personal decision for each single to determine how much time and effort to put into appearance. Certainly, it is crucial to look one’s best when meeting shadchanim or attending shidduch events. Obviously, it is worthwhile to try to look good whenever one is in the public eye, including Shabbos and Yom Tov, when people get together, since one never knows who may be there and know someone... Therefore, it may pay to invest in make up that can be worn on those days.

Living “In Town”

Where feasible, out-of-town singles may want to consider moving to an easily accessible location in the tri-state area. Many single men are not willing to travel to meet single women. While it is hard to uproot oneself from a good job and a nurturing community, there may be compensation to living in a more vibrant singles community, with all the social opportunities and spiritual amenities in-town living offers.

Leveraging Chessed Activities

Aside from the intrinsic benefits of performing Chessed, these activities are a useful way to round out a single’s resume or online profile since they help differentiate and individualize the single to shadchanim. Chessed which is performed in public view, such as kiruv, Shabbatonim, or volunteering at camps provide singles more visibility and exposure.

Finding Advocates

It may be more effective to build deep relationships with a few connected individuals or families rather than trying to meet as many shadchanim as possible. This can be done by volunteering to help them with their public service activities and accepting their invitations on a regular basis. When such people bond well with a single, they often will work very hard to find shidduch prospects and to push suggestions through.

Segulahs

Singles have found their bashert after seeking brachos from tzaddikim or praying at tzaddikkim gravesites. Prayer is always good and there are special prayers for finding one’s match. Singles pair up to pray on each other’s behalf, following the principle that when you pray on behalf of someone’s need when you have the same need, you may get answered quicker.
Giving tzedakah (charity) is also a good idea. However, singles should be wary of charities or individuals that promise shidduchim. If the cause is worthy, there’s no harm in giving to them. But singles should use common sense or ask guidance from their Rav before donating excessively as there are no guarantees.
It is healthy to keep in mind that no segula or bracha is a foolproof remedy, even if it worked for others.

Remote (Video) Dating

Dating remotely has advantages, since it makes the process much less costly, especially for the men.  They avoid the stress of travel, the expenses of dating venues, and the awkwardness of meeting the parents.  Both parties may feel more relaxed while dating from the comfort of their own environment, enjoying their favorite beverages and snacks.  Dates take less time, since there’s no travel to meet and to return from the venue.

While faces are distorted on a screen, singles can nevertheless observe mannerisms, facial expressions, and body language.  The screen does not display the other party’s height, but shidduch resumes are generally accurate within two inches.

Dating remotely is taken more seriously if each party is expected to dress appropriately as though they were meeting in person.  Moreover, the clothing selected provides more information and context for the dating partner.

Young adults who are already accustomed to internet use and remote conferencing are more likely to feel comfortable using Zoom and the like.  On the other hand, if they have been heavily using teleconferencing for work, they might find video dating too similar to their work environment to foster emotional bonding.  Many singles find that they are “not themselves” on Zoom and that it’s not quality dating.

Singles who have grown up in homes where internet use is discouraged might not have the experience and comfort-level to be able to date well remotely at first.  If possible, the single should practice talking on a video site with a friend before starting to use it for dating.  Note that some Rabbanim recommend against internet dating if the single is not already using the internet.

In summary, video dating has become the new normal in many circles.   It's not easy. It's unusual. Nonetheless, it seems to be working well for connecting some people.

Games and Activites for Zoom Dates

Extracted from a list posted in a WhatsApp group

• Take a “Zoom Walk” together, occasionally flipping the phone to show the date something interesting
• Watch a short clip together or read something together
• Go on virtual tours: museums, national parks, tourist attractions around the world
• If screen and remote control are shared or if there is a shared “whiteboard”, play hangman, tic tac toe, Pictionary. Computer-based board games (backgammon, checkers, Othello, Connect 4) are another option.
• Do an online puzzle together
• Play Trivia

Video Dating Issues

Participants should be aware that video sessions can be recorded.  This should be discussed in advance: singles should not have to decide on the spot whether to accept a pop up asking if they agree to have the session recorded.  It is not healthy to have details of a date pored over by one of the parties.  Moreover, there is a concern that the other party might forward the video to others, violating the other single’s privacy.  Standard precautions, such as using passwords, should also be taken to avoid eavesdropping or trolling.

People vary in how comfortable they are with tele-dating.  Some singles find themselves focusing intensely on the little inset that shows how they appear on the screen and feel overly self-conscious.  The software tends to promote an unnatural focus on the face.  Moreover, not everyone is able to sit focused intently on a screen for long periods of time.

Singles should close other apps and browser pages before starting a remote date unless they plan to share the content.

Looking Beyond the Shidduch System

After a certain amount of time trying to follow the shidduchim system “by the book”, some singles may decide to extend their search through other means: shidduch matching sites or singles events. These venues will not work if one is looking for a ben Torah steeped in the Yeshiva world. However, they have proven effective for YU Machmir and further to the left. Singles may want to consult their mentor or Rav before going this direction.

Shidduch Matching Websites

These websites allow singles or their representatives to create an online profile similar to a standardized resume. A search engine goes through the profiles to generate potential matches. It is wise to stay away from unmoderated sites that do not take any precautions to keep out scammers and worse. In general, singles should investigate even more carefully shidduch prospects suggested by websites and make sure that first dates meet in safe venues.
SawYouAtSinai (https://www.sawyouatsinai.com/) combines the search technology with the shadchan system so that only shadchanim may search the database to find potential shidduchim. This ensures the privacy of the singles while granting them access to a much wider pool of potential matches. YUConnects (http://yuconnects.com/) is a specialized portal to SawYouAtSinai designed to cater to the needs of a more rightwing and younger (20 – 35) set of singles.
PartnersInShidduchim (partnersinshidduchim.com) and Kriyas Yam Suf  (YamSuf.com) allow people to browse the profiles directly, with shadchanim available to represent singles. Aliases may be used or personal contact information omitted to protect privacy.
Below are tips on how to use online shidduchim databases most effectively.

Choosing an Online Shadchan

While shidduch suggestions are often generated by the search engine, an effective shadchan enhances the process by using his/her knowledge of the client to tweak the search criteria to generate more and better matches. In addition, an experienced shadchan uses his/her personal relationship with a shidduch prospect to persuade him/her to give the match a try.
Among the criteria in selecting the shadchan:
• Years of experience: the longer s/he’s been working on the website, the more personal relationships s/he has with potential matches.
• Number of matches: effective shadchanim put in time to make searches and follow through on match suggestions.
• Compatibility in Hashkafa: a shadchan with a similar Hashkafa is more likely to understand the nuances of the single and his/her dating system.
It is best to meet the shadchan in person at some point. This helps the shadchan understand you better and should lead to better searches.
The most effective shadchanim might not show up on the shadchan list you see when enrolling in the system, since their quota of singles is full. However, if they are contacted privately, they may agree to let you select them.

When Creating the Profile

Avoid limiting yourself by being too specific in what you’re looking for. The personal description should be written carefully; see {link} The Personal Description post. Avoid sounding extreme or strange by being overly frank. The ideal description is just a little bit more interesting or attractive than the other profiles. Ask a shadchan on the system to give input and feedback on your entry.

Post the Best Photo

Shadchanim and shidduch prospects are likely to obtain a photo through diligent searching through school websites, simcha photos and the like. Therefore, it is best to take control by making sure that they see the photo that shows you at your best.  For more information about taking the optimal photo, click here.

Keep Updating the Profile

Updated profiles are more likely to be noticed. Graduating school, changing jobs, undertaking new chessed activities or widening search criteria should all be reflected in the profile.

Switch Shadchanim Occasionally

A new shadchan may have a fresh perspective and relationships with a different set of potential matches.

Using Singles Events

Singles events, where men and women meet each other in a group setting, have been effective in bringing about marriages. Among the advantages of men and women meeting directly is that this can overcome resistance based on prejudice or mismatch in paper qualifications to a shidduch proposal. For example, the man might have decided that he does not date women from certain backgrounds, but on meeting the woman at the event, he may realize that she may be right for him.
Singles events are also a mechanism for setting up the shidduch that no one would have imagined or for re-starting relationships that didn’t progress in the past. Singles may broaden their search after being exposed to other types of people. Moreover, singles events facilitate networking where one single recommends another to a friend.
The most productive events are by-invitation only, arranged by activists who personally invite each man or woman. These events are designed to bring together singles who share hashkafa and are compatible in age. Having Shadchanim or facilitators in attendance enhances effectiveness according to some.

Another perspective, put forward by an experienced single, is that the Shadchanim are a turnoff for older singles who have had negative experiences with them.  These singles prefer to organize events themselves and to make their own matches.

Singles should find out in advance what to expect at the event, to determine whether it is compatible with their standard of tzniyus and general behavior.
Open events, where anyone can sign up, are less effective and may be emotionally difficult for singles as they feel they are lowering their standards or meeting the same people again and again. On the other hand, one never knows whether one might meet a friend of a friend leading to one’s bashert.

Shidduch Strategies

March 13, 2019 / CL / 0 Comments

Shidduch tips for singles

Keep Shidduch Materials Up to Date

Update Resume

Shidduch resumes and personal descriptions should be re-assessed and possibly updated each year.  Basic information and references may change as singles evolve from student/Yeshiva bochur to working.  See the Keeping the Resume Up-to-Date  section at the end of  Writing Shidduch Resumes for more details in this area.

It may also pay to give the resume a fresh look, in order to encourage shadchanim or representatives of shidduch prospects to reconsider an earlier “no” to the earlier version of the resume.

Re-Examine the Personal Description

The personal description (aka The Blurb)  describes the single and the kind of person s/he would like to marry.  Sometimes, there’s lack of progress when the single has been conditioned by social or parental pressure to seek a spouse from the “right” background, when the s/he really prefers a different kind of marriage partner.

Additionally, after a few years of searching, it may be time for the single to widen his/her horizons, without sacrificing the most essential values.  This may mean considering shidduch prospects from a wider range of backgrounds or with different plans (learning, career etc.).

Take the Photo Seriously

Physical appearance is an important factor in shidduchim.  Shadchanim tend to give more attention to resumes that are accompanied by attractive photos.  Therefore, the photo should be planned carefully.  For tips on getting the optimal photo, click here.

Dating-Related

Adopt a Positive Dating Outlook

It’s worth adopting a perspective that you can learn something from everyone you meet.   Dating is more productive when singles commit themselves to finding 3 positive things to say about each person they date.  This forces the singles into trying to see the good in the shidduch prospect, rather than an attitude of “Let me see why it’s not going to work”.  Moreover, Shadchanim are more likely to try again if the single begins feedback by stating the positive about the person s/he dated.

Take a 2^nd Look

Re-examine shidduch prospects whom you rejected in the past.  Perhaps there is someone on the list worth re-considering?

Get Feedback

It may be useful to have a 3^rd party speak with shadchanim to get their opinions on what may be holding you back.

Look for Patterns

If you have been set up with shidduchim, it may be worthwhile to examine the dating history for patterns.  Is the dating breaking off after two dates?  Or just when the dating is developing into a relationship?  Which kinds of prospects have tended to develop into relationships?

Based on these findings, you may decide to alter the direction of your search.

The Role of Professionals

Dating Coaches

If the parents do not have experience with the shidduch system and do not have a mentor who is ready to work closely with them, it is a good idea to pay a coach to orient parents and single and provide guidance in writing the personal description and shidduch resume. Knowing from the outset how the shidduch system works can prevent the single from losing time.

Many singles find mentors as they pass through the Yeshiva system: Rebbeim, Mashgichim, Mechanchos, and the like.  If the single did not have the opportunity to develop such a relationship by the time s/he reaches shidduchim, a dating coach may be a good option.

Unsure about Dating

A dating coach may be helpful if the single feels confused about how to date effectively or would benefit from guidance on how to develop and deepen a relationship.  An experienced coach will know whether the single just needs a little guidance or whether some issues need to be explored.

Therapists

Sometimes, the single has no idea why s/he is not progressing beyond a certain point in a dating relationship.  It may be beneficial to discuss this with a therapist over a period of time. Interestingly, it has happened that once the single resolved underlying issues, the right prospect happened to be proposed.

Life While Single

March 13, 2019 / CL / 0 Comments

Making the most of the single stage

Some find their shidduch immediately; others may wait some years until they find their bashert. Each situation presents its own challenges. It's not a race. Getting married sooner is not the goal--marrying the right person is.
This post is most relevant for people in the earlier years of the quest.
Note: The word shadchanim in this post includes anyone who might represent a shidduch prospect: formal and informal shadchanim, parents, relatives or friends of a single, or the single him/herself.

For the Parent

Maintain a Happy Home

While it may be highly stressful and worrying to have a child remain unmarried as younger peers are getting engaged, it is imperative to maintain a positive, supportive, and loving atmosphere in the home.  Where parents display anxiety at their child being unmarried, it becomes demoralizing for the child, exacerbating feelings of being a failure or disappointment.  Instead, parents may view this time as their opportunity to enjoy their adult child’s company and deepen the relationship.  If this is very difficult, parents should seek support, whether through socializing with other parents in this situation, discussing with their Rav, or seeing a counselor.

Give the Single Space

As the single gets older, parents are well-advised to see their child as an independent adult making his/her own decisions and entitled to privacy.  It gives perspective to realize that if a 25-year old child were married, it would be inappropriate to micro-manage his/her life; being single should not make a difference.

Once the single is earning a paycheck, parents may encourage him/her to take responsibility for his/her financial future, taking over financial assets held in trust when they were minors, opening an IRA, investing, and filing tax returns independently.

Keep Communication Open

When people share living quarters, there are formal or unspoken arrangements for sharing living costs and household chores.  This applies also to singles living at home.  In some families, everyone is naturally “on the same page” and these matters need not be discussed.

In other situations, it is better for parents to initiate a discussion with their single about who does or pays for what, especially where finances are tight.  Where the parent/child relationship is delicate, it may be best to select a mutually trusted outsider, such as the family Rav or friend, who knows the family and is trusted by parents and single, to arbitrate disagreements. The parents and single may also see the need to involve a third party if they disagree on how shidduchim should be pursued.

For the Single

It is healthiest to see the period of singlehood as its own stage in life and a springboard for growth, rather waiting impatiently for the right shidduch to arrive.  This entails the willingness to plan ahead regardless of the possibility that plans be disrupted by getting engaged.

Most important is to find a life balance that allows oneself to feel contented and connected, balancing obligations to family, community and self.  Different singles find different routes to creating and maintaining this equilibrium.

Self-Development

This is a good time to address real or perceived deficiencies, whether social, emotional, or spiritual.  This is a stage in which you are mature enough to work seriously on longstanding issues and young enough to be flexible to effect real change.

On the spiritual front, you may decide to try to keep learning and growing, refining your personal hashkafa, and pursuing goals in avodas Hashem.  Browsing the bookshelves of a Judaica store is a good way to see different approaches that may speak to you now.

Some singles return to school to advance themselves in their career or to train for a new career.

The single years may also be an opportunity to get on track financially. If you are financially stable you might educate yourself about personal finance by reading a book or two on the subject and choosing short- and long-term financial goals.

Not everyone feels the need for change.  Some women may be content to spend these years living at home and continuing with the same job for years; some men may enjoy continuing their studies in Bais Medrash.  The object here is to find the life that keeps you happy.

Enjoying Life

A balanced life includes time off to relax and enjoy.  This may include taking advantage of the freedom that comes with this stage in life by traveling, pursuing hobbies, taking courses to learn something interesting, or seeking out new experiences.

It is essential to develop strong peer friendships.  Organizing social or chessed activities is a good way to bond.

Giving Back

The community needs the skills, talents, and time of the singles.  And it is important for everyone to see themselves as part of a community.  Volunteering is more likely to be fulfilling if you choose a cause that you believe in and enjoy, rather than doing what everyone else does.

Singles who are financially independent can decide where to give money to support the causes that appeal to their values.

Seeing a Counselor

Everyone, at any stage in life, should try to live with as much contentment as possible.  If the pressures of being in shidduchim (including managing family relationships) become challenging, it may be helpful to see a therapist, both to provide an opportunity to vent and to help develop coping strategies.

Shidduchim-Related

As you become more independent in other areas of life, you may find it best to take over management of the shidduchim process, including screening resumes, checking references, and generally deciding the direction of the search.

Take breaks from dating if the pressure is overwhelming.  Don’t let societal or family pressures panic you into a bad relationship.

Give the shadchan a chance.  When a trusted shadchan offers a match, avoid letting friends who may not be experts in shidduchim discourage you from trying a date.  It has happened that longtime singles were proposed the “winning” shidduch multiple times until they decided to try it.

Avoid flirtation or forming relationships with men/women outside dating.  Aside from the halachic issues involved, such relationships dilute one’s drive for marriage.

Think about addressing possible fears or perceived incompetence related to marriage and raising a family. This could be done through self-education, seeking role models, and/or working with a therapist. Not everyone knows instinctively how to form and develop a relationship; it's normal to need support.

Keeping as happy as possible is an important shidduch strategy, since happy people are more attractive.

For more advice on the shidduch front, see Shidduch Strategies.

Challenging but Worthwhile

Working on these is beneficial for everyone’s spiritual and emotional health.

Emuna

The period of being single is a trial in Emuna (faith).  The very vast majority of singles get married sooner or later.  Many singles realize, once they get engaged, that the shidduch came only when both parties were ready—it could not have happened any sooner.

In the meantime, the more that parents and single build a relationship of trust and humility with Hashem, the more pain they will avoid and the more they will all gain from this period.  Moreover, Emuna builds the peace of mind which is important for projecting the positive personality that allows relationships to be formed.

Maintain a Positive Attitude

It is best to avoid bitterness and cynicism toward “the system”.  Aside from the emotional damage these cause, they also put off potential shadchanim or shidduch prospects.  If the standard shidduch system isn’t working for you, there are other approaches, described in “Further Advice for Finding the Bashert” {link}

It is healthiest to live with the assumption that the shidduch will eventually arrive, but not make marriage into the goal of life.  A good underlying attitude is that marriage is a bracha, a blessing/gift from Hashem rather than an entitlement.  Singles are able to live fulfilled lives contributing to the community.

Grow Before Marriage

Singles sometimes fall into a trap of deciding that they will fix certain weaknesses once they get married.  For example, they might watch movies on the computer, since they have extra time now, planning to discontinue this once they are engaged.  From a practical point of view, this is short-sighted, since when enquiries are made, such behaviors may come to light and put off a shidduch prospect.

On a deeper level, it is a good idea to try to develop now into the kind of person that one wants the bashert to desire to marry.  One exercise is to think of the marriages one admires in the community and see where one differs from the couples involved.  It may take time and effort to work on perceived deficits, but this is a constructive way to tell Hashem that one is ready for the bashert.  And becoming the “right” person allows one to project the right image and vibe.