Shidduch Strategies

Shidduch tips for singles


Keep Shidduch Materials Up to Date

Update Resume

Shidduch resumes and personal descriptions should be re-assessed and possibly updated each year.  Basic information and references may change as singles evolve from student/Yeshiva bochur to working.  See the Keeping the Resume Up-to-Date  section at the end of  Writing Shidduch Resumes for more details in this area.

It may also pay to give the resume a fresh look, in order to encourage shadchanim or representatives of shidduch prospects to reconsider an earlier “no” to the earlier version of the resume.

Re-Examine the Personal Description

The personal description (aka The Blurb)  describes the single and the kind of person s/he would like to marry.  Sometimes, there’s lack of progress when the single has been conditioned by social or parental pressure to seek a spouse from the “right” background, when the s/he really prefers a different kind of marriage partner.

Additionally, after a few years of searching, it may be time for the single to widen his/her horizons, without sacrificing the most essential values.  This may mean considering shidduch prospects from a wider range of backgrounds or with different plans (learning, career etc.).

Take the Photo Seriously

Physical appearance is an important factor in shidduchim.  Shadchanim tend to give more attention to resumes that are accompanied by attractive photos.  Therefore, the photo should be planned carefully, with the single looking his/her best.  It may be worthwhile to have a professional photographer take the photo so that lighting and angle optimize the look.

Dating-Related

Adopt a Positive Dating Outlook

It’s worth adopting a perspective that you can learn something from everyone you meet.   Dating is more productive when singles commit themselves to finding 3 positive things to say about each person they date.  This forces the singles into trying to see the good in the shidduch prospect, rather than an attitude of “Let me see why it’s not going to work”.  Moreover, Shadchanim are more likely to try again if the single begins feedback by stating the positive about the person s/he dated.

Take a 2nd Look

Re-examine shidduch prospects whom you rejected in the past.  Perhaps there is someone on the list worth re-considering?

Get Feedback

It may be useful to have a 3rd party speak with shadchanim to get their opinions on what may be holding you back.

Look for Patterns

If you have been set up with shidduchim, it may be worthwhile to examine the dating history for patterns.  Is the dating breaking off after two dates?  Or just when the dating is developing into a relationship?  Which kinds of prospects have tended to develop into relationships?

Based on these findings, you may decide to alter the direction of your search.

The Role of Professionals

Dating Coaches

If the parents do not have experience with the shidduch system and do not have a mentor who is ready to work closely with them, it is a good idea to pay a coach to orient parents and single and provide guidance in writing the personal description and shidduch resume. Knowing from the outset how the shidduch system works can prevent the single from losing time.

Many singles find mentors as they pass through the Yeshiva system: Rebbeim, Mashgichim, Mechanchos, and the like.  If the single did not have the opportunity to develop such a relationship by the time s/he reaches shidduchim, a dating coach may be a good option.

Unsure about Dating

A dating coach may be helpful if the single feels confused about how to date effectively or would benefit from guidance on how to develop and deepen a relationship.  An experienced coach will know whether the single just needs a little guidance or whether some issues need to be explored.

Therapists

Sometimes, the single has no idea why s/he is not progressing beyond a certain point in a dating relationship.  It may be beneficial to discuss this with a therapist over a period of time. Interestingly, it has happened that once the single resolved underlying issues, the right prospect happened to be proposed.

 

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